In a Moment

In a moment….
In a moment, life is beautiful and then it’s not.
In a moment, your heart is open and free and then it’s crumbled into a hundred pieces.
In a moment, you feel proud and accomplished, then ashamed.
In a moment, you are sure-footed full of motivation, then lost without direction.
In a moment, you trust, then you are filled with deception.
In a moment, you feel God’s grace and pure peace, then wrath and despair.
In a moment, someone is right there, then they’re not.
In a moment, every moment you find yourself in your triumphs and failures, standing tall and falling on your face. Then in a moment, you know what you know. You know your truth and in that moment, you know you are truly ok.
~ M Lara Brown

Sorting Through Life

I heard something on a podcast this morning that I want to share. It touched me in that place where we store our thoughts, notions, and memories; the place that keeps our views and opinions small, closed, and black and white. The place where we like to criticize, point a finger, and choose a side.
“When we keep choosing right and wrong, we are spending our energy sorting life rather than living it.”
A simple statement that makes a life-changing impact, if you let it. ♡

One Cup of Coffee and One Year Later

Something was different, he wasn’t the same person I remembered, but neither was I.
There was a humbleness about him that allowed for honesty; he wasn’t hiding from the world or himself.
 
The future is unknown to us, and I think that is one of life’s perfections. In the unknowing and allowing, we are able to refine the sharp edges that life creates; and let the walls we build to be whittled away. We think we need these walls as protection, but if we understood the purpose of life we would understand how to ingest it. We do ourselves a dis-service trying to create and manipulate life rather than to just allow it to reveal itself.
 
It was on this day, last year, that I finally started putting the practice of allowing into place. Carl suggested we go for sushi to “catch up”. Never having sushi before, I was excited to try something new. We had not seen one another in a few years, which had been a brief encounter and rather a rude one, on my part, and before that- I couldn’t tell you when I had seen him last. Prior to going for sushi, I set the ground rules, they went something like this, “I want to make sure… that we are on the same page. Not that I am flattering myself in any such way… I just want to make sure that you know- I am NOT looking for a relationship (romantic). That I do love connecting with others – friendship wise. I am in a major healing place right now and I am seeking friendship – I don’t want to be flattered or talked shit too- I just want honesty and friendship… talking- laughing- enjoy the moment the conversation- life. Is that too deep and crazy sounding for you? I am not implying you are looking for a relationship- I just want to make sure you get where I am coming from – up front.”
 
“Lol, I never thought anything but. I’m not looking for anything at all Mo.” he seemed to text lightheartedly.
 
So, with that out in the open, the evening commenced. Sushi, which I LOVED, led to coffee at Starbucks where our conversation continued into the night on their parking lot patio. Without knowing, Starbucks had closed for the evening. The lights had been turned off and the employees had gone home. It was after 10 pm and I had to work in the morning. I left that night feeling like I just made a new friend. It was refreshing to have such deep and honest conversation with someone that was just as willing to be open and honest about the sharp edges and walls, real life.
 
One day rolled into the next, as our fondness for each other’s company grew. We spent many evenings talking over Carl’s carefully prepared meals which always ended with a cup of coffee and swaying back and forth on the porch swing in firefly glow.
 
Each night the space that laid between us on the swing became less and each night I promised myself I would leave by 10:00 pm, but I actually never left before midnight.
 
Those quiet hours that our two silhouettes spent sitting on that porch swing, talking and swaying, are forever etched in my mind and heart; it allowed our souls to come forward, free to be who we truly are.
 
A whole year has gone by! Though a lot has changed, there are a few things that remain constant-
Time still goes by in an instant when we are together.
We still talk for hours over a cup of coffee…. Or two.
And our souls are still forward and free, being who they want to be.
 
Though we may have taken a rocky road on our way to that night of sushi and coffee confessionals, I believe it is why we are together today, standing tall and basking in the rewards and perfection of life.
 
Happy Anniversary my dear, sweet love. Thank you for this past year of allowing life to take us where it wants to bring us. ♡

Happy Mother’s Day ~Celebrating Love

Happy Mother’s Day!

What an excellent day to celebrate the essence of love.
There was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to be a mother. And when the time came to fulfill that desire I prepared for Rebekah’s arrival in every way I knew how and if I didn’t know something, I researched and studied it like it was an exam. But no matter how much I had studied, nothing could fully prepare me for the life of being a mom and all the turns each experience would create.

No matter what circumstances take place in our lives we still carry the title mom. There have been many moments when I felt I didn’t deserve that title. Moments that I didn’t handle a situation as I should have, moments I just didn’t know what to say or do, moments that my personal life overrode my better judgement. I have definitely had moments of shameful regret.


But that being said, being a mom is a choice we have whether we planned to be one or not. A choice to learn what love is in ways that we are not always prepared for. Ways that are sometimes confusing, frustrating, and scary. But it is that word love, in the end, that sees us through. It is the love we find that lives deep within the core of our being; It is the love we’re born with and we have the courage and capability to allow it to shine through in all that life presents simply by being a MOM ♡ CHEERS to all moms everywhere. May you embrace the love that lives in you and shine it brightly today and every day!

Live Well~ xo

Unexpected Affirmations

It was one of those weekday mornings when you wake up and for some unknown reason you just feel off. The kind of morning that feels like a battle just to get out of bed and start moving.On this particular morning I actually argued with myself not to call out sick. Maybe it was the strange encumbering dreams or the persistent dreary weather that refused to give way to sunshine that caused my inoperative mood. Regardless of dreams or weather, it was not a morning that felt like it would be filled with inspiration, but it didn’t end that way!

The sound of the alarm echoed in my ears, I reached for my phone and swiped toward snooze. I closed my eyes and immediately began dreaming. The sounding of the alarm once again, coupled with the pleading meows of two cats, finally got me to my feet.

I took my disgruntled self to the kitchen and began my morning routine. The cats encircled my legs while looking up at me with their half shut eyes. I dished out their morning kibble, my not so jovial mood was none of their concern. As I waited for my first cup of coffee to brew, I stared out the kitchen window while washing the remnants of last nights snack dishes. The crazy dreams that invaded my slumber the night before flooded my mind; my subconscious runs a muck while I sleep, I think to myself and shake my head in a slightly confused state. Slowly shuffling back to my bedroom holding my steaming coffee mug against my chest to allow it’s warmth to penetrate my t-shirt, I will the day to already be over. I have thirty minutes before Rebekah is to arrive home from her father’s house to catch the school bus, hopefully I can shake this crappy feeling by then.

My cup was empty and Rebekah was walking up the front porch steps. I jump up off my bed and quickly get to the front door as it opens- ready or not all systems a go!

“Good morning little girl.” I say as she flies in the front door and makes a beeline for her room.

“Mom, do you know where my lint roller is?!”, she yells from her closed bedroom door.

I place my hand on her door knob and before I so much as turn it, she yells,”Don’t come in! I’m changing my shirt!”

I take a deep cleansing breath and turn and walk toward the kitchen. Searching through the junk drawer I find it laying next to several pens, pencils and thumb tacks. “You have eight minutes until the bus comes!”, I shout out toward her room. She emerges from her room grabs the lint roller and runs to the bathroom. I can hear the water running and the sounds of a toothbrush working fast and furious. “Rebekah, we have to go now or we will miss the bus.” I say as calmly as possible; an impromptu trip to the middle school was not on my list of things to do that morning.

“I’m not ready yet!” she frantically yells while running back into her bedroom.

I drop my head and take another cleansing breath. I place her lunch into her lunch box, grab her bottle of water from the fridge and stand by the front door with my keys in hand ,not knowing if we were taking the short ride up the hill to the bus stop or a car ride all the way to school. She plops down on the tiled floor and shoves her sneakers on her feet and grabs her backpack and off we go. I start the car and begin driving up the hill to the bus stop when suddenly she wells up with tears, “I left my gym clothes on the chair!”

“I will drop them off to you on my way to work.” I say glad to relieve her of her worrisome look. I guess I will be taking that impromptu trip after all, I think to myself as I hear the bus brakes squealing to a stop.

“Thanks Mom!,” she says as she opens the car door and jumps out. Lowering her head back down, she says quickly, “Love you!” then runs off to the bus.

I smile and call out after her, “Love you too little girl, have a good day.”

Driving back down the hill to the house I notice how thick and grey the clouds are, they mimic my dreary mood to a tee. I couldn’t wait to wrap my hands around a second cup of coffee and just sit and read for a bit. I still have a good amount of time before leaving for work, maybe enough time to turn my mood around or I may just have to resolve to calling out sick.

After another strong cup of coffee and a little meditation, I coax myself into the shower, why waste sick time on a bad mood and a rainy day. I pull some random top from my closet, do a quick five minute face with my makeup essentials, take three minutes to blow dry my hair and I am out the door.

First, a quick pit stop to the middle school with the forgotten canvas bag of gym clothes and then I continue on to work. Parking is scarce but I finally find a far off space. I dig in my bag for my umbrella and begin my trek across the campus. “Good Morning.” I say in a half hearted cheery way to my fellow administrative co-worker, as I enter into the School of Nursing.

Glancing over at my desk I see a vase of colorful spring flowers. How nice, I think in a confused manner. I set my bags under my desk and see another bouquet of flowers lying alongside my keyboard with two cards addressed to me saying Happy Administrative Assistants Day- now it made sense!  A gift bag and a few other items wrapped in tissue paper and curly ribbon were placed by my monitor. I settle myself in and open the first card. Inside was a $50.00 gift card, but more importantly were notes of gratitude written by the professors which immediately made me smile from the inside out.  Opening the next card, from a professor that has become very dear to me, I notice for the very first time that her handwriting resembles my belated Nanny’s. In some way I feel it’s a sign I am meant to take notice of. Inside the card was a gift- an overly generous gift in the form of a check. Speechless, I sit motionless staring at the generous gift that lay alongside her sweet words of appreciation within the card. I close the card, slide it back inside the envelope and place it in my purse for safe keeping. Among the other gifts were soaps and tea, chocolate, and a Dunkin Donuts gift card, I am starting to feel like I made the right choice to come to work today! I clear my desk space and try to focus on my work for the day.

Just as I am starting to gain focus, my co-worker and I are asked to come down the hall to the conference room for a meeting. Feeling a bit frustrated because I needed to retain focus, I grab my water bottle and a banana and head out the office doors and down the corridor. As I turn the corner, the glass window walls reveal something much different than a meeting, it’s a celebration. My eyes widen at the spread of food covering every inch of the conference table. Walking through the doors with a smile from ear to ear, I am realizing this was not a day of defeat but more like a message to push on regardless of how I might be feeling at any given moment- day- or week. As I stood at the foot of the room, looking around at everyone, I thought how nice it would be if we could do this every so often for no other reason than to just enjoy each others company.

After I had my fill of conversation and food, I decide to make my way back to the office and try to once again regain focus on the tasks of the day. I sat at my desk in deep thought while munching on a chocolate chip cookie that I brought back from the luncheon. It’s interesting how quickly a person’s day can change. I started out in a foggy, grim state of mind and in a matter of a few hours I was enjoying a day full of blessings and gratitude. Imagine if I had given in to my melancholy mood. Imagine if I didn’t make the decision to push myself forward; I would of not only missed out on a day of celebration in my honor but I would of also disappointed a lot of people who put their good thoughts and time into something special.

I spent the rest of the day in much gratitude for my job, the people I work with, and for the reminder that each day is a gift in one way or another- regardless of how I might feel when I wake up in the morning. It takes effort to maintain a mindful heart of gratitude through all of life’s events, but if we do it is sure to only create more positive moments that will enhance and bless our lives in the days to come.

Live Well~

 

Back to the Books!

Everyone has had a certain subject in school that was difficult for them, one that took longer to get a passing grade or a well deserved ‘A’ .

As I am ‘Running 2 My Life’, some subjects I pass with flying colors but there is one I seem to come up short in, Rejection, or shall I say, what I perceive to be rejection. I am wired to draw from the wrong material I studied from for years. This gets me a big fat ‘F’ in Rejection.

It’s a really difficult feat to rewire my inner workings, but it is not impossible.  I refuse to allow any grade less than an ‘A’ to go onto my report card, so I will continue to study until I become a Master of Rejection!

When you focus on POSSIBILITIES instead of problems, you will see more OPPORTUNTIES in your life

When I hear the word, “NO”, I hear- “You are not good enough”, “You are not smart enough, “You are not pretty enough”, “You are not loveable enough”, none of which is true. Life is full of rejection regardless of how perfect or imperfect I am. I must learn not to act as if “NO”, is like a life threatening disease.

“NO”, is life’s way of weeding out what and who is a positive power in our existence ….. and what is not. TRUSTING life’s process is a key component to becoming successful. Trust, ugh! …. another difficult subject for me.

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That’s why I go back to the books and study some more for the next test life throws my way. I WILL get that well deserved ‘A’ that I am striving for!

Life can be a beautiful process if we all learn the importance of the word, “NO”.

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Never give up on your dreams, anything is attainable, failure is not fatal, rejection is not a life threatening disease, it’s just an opportunity to learn to trust in life’s process and bring you closer to where you are meant to be.

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Live well~ xo

 

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Finding Strength in the Unknown~

As I go about my day… the feeling of loneliness tries to creep in– but I ignore it knowing that something has changed in me these past weeks.  I am starting to feel the strength of knowing who I am again. The calmness and peace of truly knowing who you are in this world and what you have to offer is nothing short of a gift.  As I sit in the silence of my home sipping a glass of chardonnay and eating left over chicken salad for dinner, I listen to the sounds of spring; the melody of frogs chirping and croaking outside my open window brings an immense sense of peace and calmness. Not wanting for anything in this moment, I know that my true self is slowly emerging into place.

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It has been a long two weeks; I don’t ever want to feel even the remanence of emotions that my past has evoked, though it was a necessity for me to feel every last bit that had haunted me within. When you choose not to distract yourself with false monetary pretenses, it is then that the lessons you are meant to learn in life show themselves in the light that you need to see and feel them. There are times when you are amidst these lessons that you feel there is no possible way you will ever be whole again, but it is also at those most intense times that change is occurring deep within your being; it is important to know and hold on to the knowledge of this.

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Though my most recent changes have been the onset of this raw and all-encompassing  emotional state, it is these changes that have freed me to seek out who I am, where I belong and to accomplish in this life what I have been predestined to. –“Woman must come of age by herself. She must find her center alone.” – Anne Morrow Lindbergh

I do feel that the path we take in life creates who it is we are meant to be– though I can’t help but to wonder if some of the choices I made while traveling my path has prolonged the arrival of my destination. Destination – is there a final destination? I think I am now learning that there is not and furthermore, that there is not meant to be one. I have been on a search since I can remember, for something to grab hold of me and give me that feeling that I have arrived at the right destination. I am finally realizing and taking hold of the true meaning of a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Life is a journey, not a destination.” I find peace and excitement within these words. The fulfillment of not knowing what is going to happen and the endless possibilities that this notion creates is enough to launch me leaps and bounds ahead of where I was just one short year ago. I am grateful for my resilience and dedication to press on through all the discomfort and confusion and to be able to arrive at this very place.

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As the warmer weather has been ushered in by the onset of spring, I realize through the winter there was a sense of renewal taking place. Each year as winter approaches the trees shed themselves of their leaves so in spring their renewed beauty has a place to reveal itself and so it is with me, through this winter I was shedding my old self  to bring forth the renewed beauty of who I am becoming.

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So here I am as Memorial Day weekend is approaching, a time when families and friends gather to enjoy one another’s company. I have been on the pursuit this whole week to find a place to fit in so I don’t feel the absence of what this weekend is about to bring, a feeling of loneliness.  My Rebekah is with her father, my parents are out of town and my friends are preoccupied with their own life’s challenges. Having an evening alone is a welcomed thought, but enduring a holiday weekend for four days and nights without plans goes against my grain. I have settled into the notion that this is for a purpose; I am learning and practicing to trust the process of life. I have changed my mindset to embrace this time to have a more deepened sense of self- by myself. Becoming honest with me and trusting life’s process to guide me has been an incredibly difficult feat. My past has taught me the need to challenge and control- but within that there was a sense of responsibility that was exhausting and uncomfortable, like swimming upstream against the current. In letting go of this need to predestine my time, I am learning to feel content with not knowing. My openness to an unscheduled life is an olive branch extended toward learning to trust life, myself,others, and God.

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I will end with a quote from the book I am reading, A Year by the Sea – by Joan Anderson, “When one is freshly informed, has a serendipitous experience, one’s mood is changed. That is why taking time to see, hear, be present to images and language that arises from new experiences have the power to change one from one way to another.” – Clarissa Pinkola Este’s

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Live well xo

 

 

 

Learning to love myself just as I am ~ without a label

Recently my status has changed from married, to …. soon not to be married. I have labeled myself with the title of wife for 13 years.

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I am just beginning to realize I have used these labels throughout life to create an identity for myself; it’s almost as if I need these labels to feel like a complete person. “Hi, my name is Maureen; I am a Mom, a wife, a runner and blogger – this is who I am.” But is it really?

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I believe I’ve struggled with needing to label myself since my early 20’s. I felt completely lost most of those years searching for who I really was. I looked for my identity through boyfriends I dated, jobs I worked, religious organizations, and friends that would come and go throughout my life. Then at age thirty two I was married and my identity was of wife, at thirty five it became wife and mother and I struggled immensely feeling lost once again.  I didn’t understand who I was outside of wife and mother and it took me years to feel comfortable within my own skin. Now I am getting divorced and losing a label and those unsure feelings are back, again.  I do think this is somewhat normal, it’s a part of growing and learning who I am and who I want to be in this world.

Good enough labels ~

When labeling myself, I must be the utmost perfection of that label; otherwise it must not be true.

  • If I am not the best mother, the kind that attends all the sporting events, plans the best parties, joins the PTA- volunteering for everything – am I good enough?
  • If I am not the best wife, the kind that always has her house clean and in order, dinner made, bills paid, and keeps her husband and child satisfied and happy- am I good enough?
  • If I am not a great runner, the kind that can run a half marathon fully without walking one step, cross trains five days a week and enters all the local races – am I good enough?
  • If I am not a consistent blogger/writer, the kind that can write and post on a daily/weekly basis, always has the mindset to create and turn out the best pieces in a snap – am I good enough?

Without these labels and without being the best at each one – am I Maureen and am I good enough? This is what I am working on, figuring out why I need to label myself to feel relevant and good enough.

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Am I trying to prove something to someone or myself?  What happens if I am not a wife or even someone’s girlfriend anymore? Does this mean I am not good enough to be loved? Did I do something wrong that no one would want to love me? This is obviously a ridiculous question/statement.  But somehow along the way I have adopted this line of thinking and it filters down into all the other labels I seek to place on myself.

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I will tell you, it is exhausting trying to sustain these labels and to perfection, or what I perceive to be perfection. It is an internal struggle and battle that I wage war with quite often.  How freeing it would be to feel I didn’t have to “be” anything. To know who I was without a label. To feel good enough without a label and at its perfection. How do I do this?

I have been on a journey of self-discovery for as long as I can remember and each time I seem to have a grasp on who it is I think I am – **** BAM **** life begins to change and it throws me off.  I understand we are always learning and discovering about ourselves and I believe this makes life fun and challenging. It would be a dull and unfulfilled life to remain the same person from a child through adulthood.  That being said I don’t want to feel the necessity to label or title myself as something to have an identity.

  • I want to be a great mom because I love my daughter and she is my world – period
  • I want my future romantic relationship(s) to enhance my happiness, not be the source of it and using them as my identity.
  • I want to be a runner free of demands I put on myself for perfection.
  • I want to be a blogger/writer simply because I love to share my experiences with the world and inspire others.

I want to live my life knowing who I am without a label and feel perfectly ok with it.

“Hi, my name is Maureen.”  Period end of sentence

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