Let’s talk… about the uncomfortable truth of Self-Compassion.
Your best friend calls you on the phone; she is crying. “I don’t know what has come over me today,” her voice filled with anguish. “I ate a chocolate doughnut with extra frosting, lost my temper with the kids, blew off my workout at the gym, and now I just told my husband that I can’t stand looking at his face!” She bursts into tears once again.
Your heart hurts for her, as you do your best to console her. You know she has been dealing with a lot of personal issues lately and she isn’t allowing herself the time and space to heal.
Most people find it easier to be compassionate toward others rather than themselves.
It’s a natural human desire to want to relieve the suffering of another human. But in order give compassion, we must first have the awareness and ability to give it to ourselves. Compassion is defined as a “Shared Feeling , a level of sympathy so deep that it inspires action to alleviate another’s pain, sorrow or suffering.” We must firstly be able to connect to our own suffering, to feel our own discomforts and then take action to soothe our personal pain in a healthy way.
How do I learn to be Self-Compassionate?
In yogic traditions there is a practice called Ahimsa which means non-violence. This not only refers to physical action but also thoughts and words toward one’s self, others, and all living creatures. This principle reminds us of the importance of self-compassion
Creating space for ourselves is an important part of learning to be self-compassionate- The first step in showing yourself compassion is to make space in your day to just be in your own thoughts, to be with yourself in the present moment. Not thoughts of yesterday or two minutes ago or in an hour… just right now. Be aware of your body and its sensations and emotional feelings. Allow your physical and emotional needs to be important, heard, and seen by YOU. This is where Self-Compassion starts- the acknowledgement of Self. Learning how to soothe and heal your pain is the next step, but for now acknowledging the truth of how you feel is key.
Here is the Uncomfortable Truth About Offering Compassion.
Another yogic practice is Seva, meaning selfless service. This asks us to serve others with a mindset of expecting nothing in return and having no expectations regarding the outcome.
The ability to offer compassion to alleviate another’s suffering is a beautiful picture of a human act of love. Even more so when the action is aligned with a pure intention. There is the saying, “If you want to change the world, you have to start with yourself first.”
At the deepest level- at my core, what is my intention?
My ideas of compassion have led me into difficult situations, some life altering. For me, compassion meant not saying No. On the surface level, I was afraid to hurt someone’s feelings, felt selfish, or I felt a sense of pity for them. My “compassion” was not coming from a place of pure intention rather from a deeper source of pain that I had not healed yet. Sometimes I wanted to feel needed, purposeful. Sometimes it was easier to offer others words of healing and encouragement rather than look at my own issues.
It’s really unnerving to ask ourselves questions that may uncover a deeper truth.
When you offer compassion, is it coming from a shared feeling (not just an experience) in which you have connected to within yourself and taken healthy actions to soothe? The hard question is, are you offering compassion as a means to distract yourself from your own internal suffering, to feel a false sense of healing through another, or maybe to find a sense of worthiness?
Like I mentioned above, these are really difficult questions to ask, because what if the answer is… yes?
If this is true for you, firstly, do not get down on yourself; you are in good company. The good news is you are now aware of your need for compassion too. Taking the uncomfortable journey inward to feel in order to heal is the most loving act we can take for ourselves and then secondly for others. Remember compassion is not something you have to search for outside of yourself, it already lives inside of you at your deepest core.
What is one thing that you can begin to do to show yourself… Self-Compassion?
Sending my love~ Maureen
