The fabulous forties. A decade of fabulous moments, memories, milestones, and a great deal of transformation. I just turned 49 and I think I’m finally beginning to understand this thing called life and who I really am. It’s been a long excursion and I think I am ready to coast through this final year on my way to the Big 5-0.
Like every other decade, the ’40s have concluded with a generous helping of life’s lessons; some easier to grasp than others. At times my life mimicked a soap opera and others a Hallmark movie. I have spent the last ten years in pursuit of authenticity and what I discovered was that I myself, wasn’t being authentic.
As I near the end of a decade, here are eight important skills that have helped me to find the real me. Some I have made peace with, others- well let’s see how I feel about them when I reach the big 5 -0.
- Self-validation-
Divorce catapulted me into my forties. I was a hot mess with all my unhealed past wounds laying out in the open for all to see. I can honestly say that I was mildly insane for a period of time. I acted and reacted to raw emotions that were triggered by all my insecurities. Unfortunately, I was looking for validation in the wrong places; it was a difficult season. But with a lot of love and coaching from my family and close friends and a great deal of time exploring and reflecting, I have started to learn how to self validate. This has been incredibly hard for me to fully achieve. I think I could call self-validation my arch-nemesis. At my weakest times, it brings me to my knees with doubt, preying on my insecurities. At my strongest times, it still lingers in the background trying to distract me from the stronger, more secure self I have come to know.
- Boundaries-
Until my early forties, I didn’t understand what a boundary was in a personal sense, which would make sense since this goes along with self-validation and self-worth. I knew what felt good and what didn’t, but I had a hard time drawing a line and saying enough is enough when it came to relationships and how I allowed others to behave around me. I also had to learn how to say no and express how I felt instead of just going along with something that didn’t always feel comfortable.
- Don’t get attached to the details–
I used to be a Type A planner; I would plan every detail of every vacation, every event, every everything. I guess it gave me an illusion of control. To a degree, planning is necessary and fun, but it was also taxing and left no room for “life” to happen. I now do my best to have a plan for the big stuff, but let the little details work themselves out. Since doing this, life has sent me some really great surprises!
- F E A R-
“False evidence appearing real.” I love that, it explains so much. I never realized how afraid I was of life. Fear has brought me to places that I didn’t belong and in some cases, kept me in places far too long. Understanding the actual reason I feel afraid of something has become key to making better choices. Regardless of what happens in my life, I learned that I will be okay. Divorce, health issues, bad decisions, lost investments, can’t find a home, child dilemmas, these are all scary circumstances that felt like a movie set from Hopeless in Hell. But with time there is healing and change. I made it through all of the storms and came out stronger.
- What’s the Rush-
Patience is not a quality that comes easily to me. When I start feeling like I need something to happen sooner than later, it’s a signal that I may be trying to ignore something that needs my attention. Slowing down and facing those F E A R’s have provided a richer more enjoyable daily experience to life. It’s not about the quantity, but rather the quality.
- Listen to your gut-
This one took a long time to understand because it is tied to so many other life skills. I had a hard time deciphering the messages from my gut versus my untamed emotions. I would hear a small voice in the distance whispering to me, but those wild emotions that were looking for a quick feel better resolution would usually win. It became difficult to trust myself to make a better decision until I got a deeper understanding of where those wild emotions were coming from. This past decade has sent me many tests and pop quizzes on this subject and I am going to go out on a limb and say that I think I have a good handle on it now.
- Taking time to think-
I think it was my new found love of running that led me to understand the importance of taking time to think or not think. Whether it be running, hiking, walking, writing, yoga, meditating, prayer, photography, this has been the decade of breaking out of ritualistic behaviors and partaking in practices that feel more natural. Doing this gives me a sense of connection, belonging, understanding, and love between myself and God, the universe, our world, nature, my family, friends, co-workers, and my fellow humans.
- Love-
My perception of love has evolved over time. I now perceive love to be more of an action rather than an emotion; it reveals itself within the doing, as words alone contrive only an emotion. The doing started with me. It was very difficult for me to accept that I had value unless someone else was confirming it. Once I was able to do that on my own, I was then ready to reassess what kind of love I wanted in my life.
My 40’s have been some of the most difficult years, but most enlightening and liberating. The freeing feeling of shedding parts of myself that don’t belong to me and making peace with the parts that do have allowed me to find the authenticity that I was searching for. What discovery has made the biggest impact on you in the last decade? Please share with me; I would truly love to hear from you.
“To know thyself is the beginning of wisdom.” ~ Socrates.
“One can only be who one is meant to be.” ~ from the movie Coco
