Silent gifts of peace wash over me in waves of grace,
As universal love unfolds like an unraveling mystery.
Lost within chaos, the hush of darkness gives way to that magical space where truth abounds in limitless love.
Surrendering to deep breaths, I’m back to that glorious place where lives love, joy and knowing.
He is the same today as he was the day we shared our first cup of coffee, steady but supple, strong but soft, patient, composed and assured because life has presented him with a choice and he is ready to experience all he envisioned. This is why I have fallen in love with this man.
Love is….
Patient
Kind
It does not envy
It does not boast
It is not proud
It does not dishonor
It is not self-seeking
It is not easily angered
It keeps no record of wrongs
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth
It always protects
Always trusts
Always hopes
Always perseveres
He held my hand and guided me down the boardwalk ramp onto the soft, damp sand that the tide left behind. He was unusually quiet this evening, a strange mix of urgency and aloofness.
As the sun settled below the horizon, we settled into an area that was tucked away amongst the tall, lush beds of seagrass. The landscape was picturesque, so much so that I was compelled to capture its very essence. I untwined my fingers from his and turned toward the ocean which acted as a backdrop for the swaying grass. I have taken at least a hundred photos of this beach, but none of a night such as this.
“Honey,” I heard Carl say softly. I turned, fully expecting to find this sweet man holding his hand out for mine, just simply wanting to enjoy the ambiance hand in hand. Rather, he was with one knee in the sand looking up at me with a smile that lit the darkening sky. I could see he was holding a small opened box with something that seemed to be catching the brilliance of his smile, but I couldn’t completely focus on anything but his beautiful face. “Will you marry me?” he said in a voice that almost wasn’t.
In an instant, I pieced together all the unusual events of the evening. I met his eyes with pure focus and elated laughter. “Ask me again,” I said with a silly smile. I didn’t want the moment to be over.
“Will you marry me?” he asked with a more playful tone this time.
“Yes! Yes, yes!” I joyfully responded.
My eyes now turning to the illuminating box held tightly in his hand. The ring had an intricate flower design and in the center a diamond that dazzled my eyes like a sky filled with millions of stars. Realizing I was in a deep trance, I quickly helped my new sea legged fiance’ to his feet. Making it official, he placed the ring, which symbolizes all he envisioned, on my finger.
The fabulous forties. A decade of fabulous moments, memories, milestones, and a great deal of transformation. I just turned 49 and I think I’m finally beginning to understand this thing called life and who I really am. It’s been a long excursion and I think I am ready to coast through this final year on my way to the Big 5-0.
Like every other decade, the ’40s have concluded with a generous helping of life’s lessons; some easier to grasp than others. At times my life mimicked a soap opera and others a Hallmark movie. I have spent the last ten years in pursuit of authenticity and what I discovered was that I myself, wasn’t being authentic.
As I near the end of a decade, here are eight important skills that have helped me to find the real me. Some I have made peace with, others- well let’s see how I feel about them when I reach the big 5 -0.
Divorce catapulted me into my forties. I was a hot mess with all my unhealed past wounds laying out in the open for all to see. I can honestly say that I was mildly insane for a period of time. I acted and reacted to raw emotions that were triggered by all my insecurities. Unfortunately, I was looking for validation in the wrong places; it was a difficult season. But with a lot of love and coaching from my family and close friends and a great deal of time exploring and reflecting, I have started to learn how to self validate. This has been incredibly hard for me to fully achieve. I think I could call self-validation my arch-nemesis. At my weakest times, it brings me to my knees with doubt, preying on my insecurities. At my strongest times, it still lingers in the background trying to distract me from the stronger, more secure self I have come to know.
Until my early forties, I didn’t understand what a boundary was in a personal sense, which would make sense since this goes along with self-validation and self-worth. I knew what felt good and what didn’t, but I had a hard time drawing a line and saying enough is enough when it came to relationships and how I allowed others to behave around me. I also had to learn how to say no and express how I felt instead of just going along with something that didn’t always feel comfortable.
I used to be a Type A planner; I would plan every detail of every vacation, every event, every everything. I guess it gave me an illusion of control. To a degree, planning is necessary and fun, but it was also taxing and left no room for “life” to happen. I now do my best to have a plan for the big stuff, but let the little details work themselves out. Since doing this, life has sent me some really great surprises!
“False evidence appearing real.” I love that, it explains so much. I never realized how afraid I was of life. Fear has brought me to places that I didn’t belong and in some cases, kept me in places far too long. Understanding the actual reason I feel afraid of something has become key to making better choices. Regardless of what happens in my life, I learned that I will be okay. Divorce, health issues, bad decisions, lost investments, can’t find a home, child dilemmas, these are all scary circumstances that felt like a movie set from Hopeless in Hell. But with time there is healing and change. I made it through all of the storms and came out stronger.
Patience is not a quality that comes easily to me. When I start feeling like I need something to happen sooner than later, it’s a signal that I may be trying to ignore something that needs my attention. Slowing down and facing those F E A R’s have provided a richer more enjoyable daily experience to life. It’s not about the quantity, but rather the quality.
This one took a long time to understand because it is tied to so many other life skills. I had a hard time deciphering the messages from my gut versus my untamed emotions. I would hear a small voice in the distance whispering to me, but those wild emotions that were looking for a quick feel better resolution would usually win. It became difficult to trust myself to make a better decision until I got a deeper understanding of where those wild emotions were coming from. This past decade has sent me many tests and pop quizzes on this subject and I am going to go out on a limb and say that I think I have a good handle on it now.
I think it was my new found love of running that led me to understand the importance of taking time to think or not think. Whether it be running, hiking, walking, writing, yoga, meditating, prayer, photography, this has been the decade of breaking out of ritualistic behaviors and partaking in practices that feel more natural. Doing this gives me a sense of connection, belonging, understanding, and love between myself and God, the universe, our world, nature, my family, friends, co-workers, and my fellow humans.
My perception of love has evolved over time. I now perceive love to be more of an action rather than an emotion; it reveals itself within the doing, as words alone contrive only an emotion. The doing started with me. It was very difficult for me to accept that I had value unless someone else was confirming it. Once I was able to do that on my own, I was then ready to reassess what kind of love I wanted in my life.
My 40’s have been some of the most difficult years, but most enlightening and liberating. The freeing feeling of shedding parts of myself that don’t belong to me and making peace with the parts that do have allowed me to find the authenticity that I was searching for. What discovery has made the biggest impact on you in the last decade? Please share with me; I would truly love to hear from you.
“To know thyself is the beginning of wisdom.” ~ Socrates.
“One can only be who one is meant to be.” ~ from the movie Coco
This morning I watched this sweet fawn walk past my sliding glass doors down into the brook. She/he meandered through the water eating the grasses and leaves with mama nowhere in sight. I was relieved a little later when I saw them once again walking side by side. Such a sweet face.
What a wonderful surprise to see Mama Duck and her tiny babies for breakfast!
Harmony of Two Souls~
The porch swing gently glided to and fro
The fireflies began their dance among the darkening sky
Their lips had not yet met, nor had their hands ever touched
But their souls whispered to one another, longing to reacquaint
Unknowingly he breathed life into her secrets
Unknowingly she exposed his heart
The night grew darker, their eyes grew heavy, they bid the swing adieu
Come again….. called the swing
The darkened sky
The dancing fireflies
The gentle to and fro of the swing
Their hands met
Their vision unclouded
Their truths set free
Their worlds forever changed
Infused with grace
The unveiling of two souls awakening into a new world
MLara Brown~
In a moment….
In a moment, life is beautiful and then it’s not.
In a moment, your heart is open and free and then it’s crumbled into a hundred pieces.
In a moment, you feel proud and accomplished, then ashamed.
In a moment, you are sure-footed full of motivation, then lost without direction.
In a moment, you trust, then you are filled with deception.
In a moment, you feel God’s grace and pure peace, then wrath and despair.
In a moment, someone is right there, then they’re not.
In a moment, every moment you find yourself in your triumphs and failures, standing tall and falling on your face. Then in a moment, you know what you know. You know your truth and in that moment, you know you are truly ok.
~ M Lara Brown
The majestic Shawangunk mountain ridge rolled out a vibrant green carpet to evoke my mind, body, and soul to partake in a sort of ceremonial introspection. I closed my eyes for just a moment in order to clear my mind of its incessant chatter and to extend my reverence for the wisdom of this impressive ridge. I have learned in the short years of running alongside this beautiful country scenery that it becomes a sort of meditative experience. It will whisper its secrets to you, offering its wisdom, and provoke you to take a deeper look within.
I heard something on a podcast this morning that I want to share. It touched me in that place where we store our thoughts, notions, and memories; the place that keeps our views and opinions small, closed, and black and white. The place where we like to criticize, point a finger, and choose a side.
“When we keep choosing right and wrong, we are spending our energy sorting life rather than living it.”
A simple statement that makes a life-changing impact, if you let it. ♡
I am the sum of all that has passed through me, no more, no less.
My past shadows come to linger with my present; I tell them to go.
I am no longer those things that have brought me here.
They are only a part of who I am, pieces of my past, fractions of my life.
Places, people, points in time, like an old friend or lover that once walked by my soul.
Intimately, each piece of my past makes peace with my present, then crawls back into the shadow.
I am the sum of all that has passed through me, no more, no less.
~M Lara Brown
