It’s been almost a full year since I last posted on my blog. I have written several pieces but easily was distracted and never went back to finish them.
It’s been a busy year with many changes. Jamie moved in this past spring, I put the house on the market in the summer, I got engaged on my birthday in July, and I am now moving into a rented farmhouse that needs a lot of elbow grease and TLC. These are big changes and they have set off a lot of emotional responses. Turns out I’m not so great at excepting change and allowing life to usher me into the next phase. It is all overwhelming and when I am overwhelmed my brain doesn’t think too clearly. Maybe it’s the amount of change that has occurred in such a short period of time….?
I looked back at a piece I wrote last January and I was a bit disappointed to find that I am still mending from past events. I have been trekking through this jungle, which I referred to as a “crazy beautiful world” in that January post, for about 3 years. How long will it take for me to stop feeling the aftershocks of my past?
I have found myself in states that were both frightening and liberating. One moment I feel as if I have achieved the gold medal for running the race of life followed by another moment of me laying in a heap in the corner of the room crying, weary and dazed. I want to believe I am on the tail end of those days, but what if I’m not? It’s as if I have an inner compass that spins out of control at times.
Trust, love, and team are words that I struggle with. It has become easy for me to quickly dismiss any connection upon a negative reaction from another. Feeling a strong sense of safety and control in disconnection, I have a growing desire to continue on in life alone. Is this a step in the direction of healing? Does this mean that my co-dependant tendencies are working themselves out, or am I simply trading one emotional issue for another? This sounds horrible, doesn’t it? The battle between fight or flight is not an easy one and challenges me often.
Being the mom I wish to be has become daunting. It is difficult to not only co-parent with your ex that is influenced by a separate household but also with another man living under the same roof with a different view of parenting. It is a stressful challenge to be strong in my own convictions and have two other people’s thoughts coming at me.
I know I haven’t painted a very pretty picture with all that I mentioned above, but these are my struggles and challenges. So many changes have caused me to feel displaced with questions if I am moving in the right direction. I feel like my life has been placed in a blender.
Some days are easier than others, some days seem brighter than others, some days I’m scared out of my mind and other days I am as tough as nails. I pray that God gives me the strength to fight through it all and one day I can look back and say I am a stronger and better person than I ever was.
My prayers and thoughts go out to anyone reading this that has their own personal struggles and battles they fight. Keep on moving forward, there are brighter days ahead, right?
Maureen~
